Moving on..
A couple weeks ago we went to church, it was a typical Saturday night service, I walked in those doors a bit unwilling. I had to tear myself away from World of Warcraft and talk myself into going. I would have much rather stayed home playing in my little fantasy world. The worship music started and I was in a sour mood. I was mouthing the words but not really feeling it. I was thinking about everything BUT God. Those four worship songs seemed to last forever and I remember thinking to myself, "Geez, I'm sorry God but I just don't want to be here right now. I'm a horrible person to be standing in church thinking this, what is wrong with me?" Then service started. I was still not in a great mood, then they showed this video:
At the end of the video, this man had a message for his wife:
"I don't think there is anything that I haven't already told you. I love you. I know you love me. My biggest regret is that this illness has caused a lot of emotional pain for you but I do know that we have grown as a couple. And that I love you, and that I hope one day after I'm gone, you can find somebody that loves you as much as I do now."
When he started talking about how he hopes one day his wife will find someone that loves her as much as he loves her, I got really emotional. I started crying and all I could think about was Jason. I love him so much, not a day goes by that we don't tell each other just how much. I'm so blessed to have him in my life. I kept thinking, if I die tomorrow, what regrets will I have? The answer: A LOT!
1. I'll regret that I don't spend enough time with my husband.
2. I'll regret that I don't have a lot of friendships outside of my beloved video game.
3. I'll regret that most of Jasons memories of me will be the time we shared together in a video game with our virtual characters and not each other.
I was so overcome with grief of all the time I've lost. I've spent the last six years completely addicted to World of Warcraft. I justified it by saying, "Well, if I didn't play WOW, I'd just be watching TV anyway, at least I'm using my brain." or.. "I don't have any friends here in Pennsylvania and at least I can play with my long distance friends in WOW." or.. "It's the cheapest form of entertainment and I'd rather be sitting at home playing this than spending $30 bucks at the movies." I came up with so many ways to justify my addiction to this game. But the reality is that, I ignored my family, I ignored my life passing me by, I put off daily chores, errands, cooking, cleaning, house maintenance. I passed up on opportunities to hang out with friends and develop real relationships, I missed out on church more than a few times, I thought about reading the Bible, and then I decided I'd rather raid. I neglected my husband, our animals, our friends. The list goes on and on.
So, as I sat there in church, listening to the sermon, tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't stop them. This is usually how the Lord gets to me. He puts something on my heart and makes it SO heavy that I just can't ignore it and I begin to cry. It happens a lot at my church. He always gives me what I need and shows me the path I'm supposed to be on, and whether it's a joyful tugging at my heart strings, or a painful one, it always ends up with me crying. I knew what I had to do. I had to stop playing. I thought, "I'll go home and tell everyone I can't play anymore and then i'll cancel my account." but no.. That wasn't good enough. That's when I knew what I really had to do. I went home and deleted all my characters, uninstalled the game and cancelled my account. It was heart breaking. People don't understand, it's not just a video game, it's a community of gamers. It's a family. Jason and I were leaders of our "Guild" and we have very close relationships with these people. We talk to them daily and have even met some of them outside the game. Saying goodbye wasn't easy, but it was necessary.
I never asked Jason to quit. I didn't suggest it, in fact, I told him, "I want you to know that I'm not going to pressure you into quitting." He said, "Yeah, I know." While I was going through the process of deleting my characters, Jason was playing around on his. It took me about an hour and just when I was almost done, Jason announced he was going to delete his too. He said he started talking to another player in the game about achievements, and this other guy was saying how he hadn't accomplished everything he needed to in the game and Jason thought, "I've been playing this game for 7 years and it's still not over. It will never be over. I'll never be finished with it." Enough was enough. He deleted, uninstalled, and unsubscribed.
We closed our World of Warcraft chapter in our life. As Jason put it, "We have each dumped 6 and 7 years into this game and have come to realize that other then awesome friends and guild, we haven't achieved anything life-worthy. We need this for our life plan and to achieve our goals." I'm proud of us.
So, for the past couple weeks, we have gone fishing, we've gotten a ton of things done around the house. We've crossed a lot of things off that proverbial "TO-DO List". We get to bed at a decent hour, we wake up early and start our day on the right track. I'm happy to say, things are looking up in the Bledsoe house :)
If only we could get the weight thing under control.. *sigh* One day at a time..
These pictures are from our little fishing trip on Tuesday. We rented a boat at Muddy Run. Didn't catch anything but we had a great time!
